Maybe you've heard of SWAG...a standard acronym (you know, one of those words where each letter is the first letter of another word--see, I remember something from elementary school) apparently meaning "Southern Women Aging Gracefully." Considering the sweltering humidity and the steam wafting off the pots of those beautiful green beans with fabulous bacon fat swimming in them that is so iconic of the South I would think that Botox clinics would be few and far between.
Although I wonder if microdermabrasion clinics--(is that the sandblasting thing for pores?) rake in the dough in the South with the humidity opening up the pores like ant architects diggin' swimmin' holes...I should know, they've been using my pores as war bunkers for years even when I wasn't living in the South, now they use them for community bomb shelters.
Drive on any highway in Houston and you will see billboards for liposuction, lap-bands, laser hair removal, miles and miles of cosmetic surgeons, etc. In Colorado the closest thing to this I saw was a billboard for a dog spa. It seems that if there are so many billboards in Houston for cosmetic help then there must certainly be a market for it. So yeah, I'd say that Southern Women are absolutely aging "gracefully" if the number of ads on the highway is any indication.
However, between the "chicken-fried everything" I'm consuming on a regular basis, the sweet tea that I can find in almost every restaurant (the nectar of the gods), and my freelance writing career which involves me sitting on my rump all week writing at the computer and engaging my dog in staring contests I am going to predict that in several years I will be able to start my own SWAG club and call it "Southern Writers Asses Gigantus" and we can all go get our lipo together with all that moolah we'll make from freelancing. We can probably even call it a tax deduction. Genius!
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
One thing I've learned in the South...
I have learned many things living in the South, but one of the most important subjects I've learned about is the bugs.
Growing up the first 12 years of my life in Anchorage, Alaska I was mostly only exposed to Mosquitoes. Mosquitoes that are so large people up there joke that it's the state bird (the state bird of Alaska is actually the Ptarmigan) and souvenir shops sell mosquito traps that look like smaller bear traps--the kind you see in cartoons with the giant saw-like metal teeth. There are a few spiders, a few ants, and a few other things that you only see about three months out of the year, but that's all.
So of course I wasn't prepared for the army that met me at the state line into Arkansas when I moved there. I learned very quickly that, in the South you don't:
1)Leave your porch light on--just trust me, don't do it. Your entire front door will be covered in June Bugs, Beetles and one year it was locusts.
2) I don't recommend getting gas in the evening when the overhang above the pumps is lit up...for the same reason stated above.
3) Do not leave any trace of sugar or food anywhere...a small dropping of cornbread on the floor will quickly become a mound of shuddering black as those tiny sugar ants conquer and destroy the mountain of sweet, Southern cornbread.
4) Shake out all clothing, towels and shoes before even thinking about putting them on your body.
5)NEVER, EVER put a bag of trash by the door to be taken out later. I had a roommate who didn't like to take out the trash so I piled the trash bags by the door to make a point (which fell on deaf ears) and when I finally went to remove them because she didn't there was a black, garbage-bag-shaped cloud on the wall behind with a trail leading out the door...ants on the move. They're quick little buggers.
6) Those tomato worms are the scariest things in the world. They look like a rolled-up leaf and I can't see their eyes or anything else. I'm sure they have a great purpose, but I don't grow tomatoes anymore.
Growing up the first 12 years of my life in Anchorage, Alaska I was mostly only exposed to Mosquitoes. Mosquitoes that are so large people up there joke that it's the state bird (the state bird of Alaska is actually the Ptarmigan) and souvenir shops sell mosquito traps that look like smaller bear traps--the kind you see in cartoons with the giant saw-like metal teeth. There are a few spiders, a few ants, and a few other things that you only see about three months out of the year, but that's all.
So of course I wasn't prepared for the army that met me at the state line into Arkansas when I moved there. I learned very quickly that, in the South you don't:
1)Leave your porch light on--just trust me, don't do it. Your entire front door will be covered in June Bugs, Beetles and one year it was locusts.
2) I don't recommend getting gas in the evening when the overhang above the pumps is lit up...for the same reason stated above.
3) Do not leave any trace of sugar or food anywhere...a small dropping of cornbread on the floor will quickly become a mound of shuddering black as those tiny sugar ants conquer and destroy the mountain of sweet, Southern cornbread.
4) Shake out all clothing, towels and shoes before even thinking about putting them on your body.
5)NEVER, EVER put a bag of trash by the door to be taken out later. I had a roommate who didn't like to take out the trash so I piled the trash bags by the door to make a point (which fell on deaf ears) and when I finally went to remove them because she didn't there was a black, garbage-bag-shaped cloud on the wall behind with a trail leading out the door...ants on the move. They're quick little buggers.
6) Those tomato worms are the scariest things in the world. They look like a rolled-up leaf and I can't see their eyes or anything else. I'm sure they have a great purpose, but I don't grow tomatoes anymore.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Something strange is going on in Houston...
For the two months I have lived in Houston I have seen many smokers (at least, many more than I saw in Colorado) and every smoker I have seen who also happened to be driving had their window rolled completely down and their cigarette-holding hand outside the window.
Now, I do roll my window completely down, but it's only because I do not have air conditioning in my car anymore, it went out sometime last year and in Colorado you only really need it for maybe a month out of the year so I never fixed it. So with no AC, having the window down is necessary because you've got to get a little airflow as you squint through the hot cloud of humidity around your face. If you live in the South you understand this better than most. But these other people...many of them have beautiful new cars and I feel I may safely assume they have AC in there. Look, if you're not going to use that AC you don't deserve that car so you may as well just hand it over to someone who has driven the same car for 8 years and it was and is their very first car.
Now, when I smoke I have always just cracked my window so that my hair didn't blow around in my face, catch my cigarette then all I hear is "phhht!" and suddenly my entire head looks like a Brillo pad that was just used on the skillet that cooked my chicken fried steak.
To reiterate...this is EVERY smoker I have seen driving and smoking. Window all the way down. All of them. So I can't figure out if there is a private league of smokers or if it's some kind of a law in Houston. As someone who shows up at home after a 30 minute drive in stand-still rush hour traffic looking like I walked out of a monsoon (wind and sweat) I just can't comprehend any other reason to have your window down when your freakin AC works!
Now, I do roll my window completely down, but it's only because I do not have air conditioning in my car anymore, it went out sometime last year and in Colorado you only really need it for maybe a month out of the year so I never fixed it. So with no AC, having the window down is necessary because you've got to get a little airflow as you squint through the hot cloud of humidity around your face. If you live in the South you understand this better than most. But these other people...many of them have beautiful new cars and I feel I may safely assume they have AC in there. Look, if you're not going to use that AC you don't deserve that car so you may as well just hand it over to someone who has driven the same car for 8 years and it was and is their very first car.
Now, when I smoke I have always just cracked my window so that my hair didn't blow around in my face, catch my cigarette then all I hear is "phhht!" and suddenly my entire head looks like a Brillo pad that was just used on the skillet that cooked my chicken fried steak.
To reiterate...this is EVERY smoker I have seen driving and smoking. Window all the way down. All of them. So I can't figure out if there is a private league of smokers or if it's some kind of a law in Houston. As someone who shows up at home after a 30 minute drive in stand-still rush hour traffic looking like I walked out of a monsoon (wind and sweat) I just can't comprehend any other reason to have your window down when your freakin AC works!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
